The Forest Shrine. I'm not sure if you are supposed to talk about it, or if there is some sort of rule about it.
You know like fight club. First rule of the Haliburton Forest Shrine is to NOT talk about the Haliburton Forest Shrine. Or something along those lines.
So I may be entering taboo ground here, but oh well.. I can't make things any worse than they have been lately, can I? ;) I've been lamenting over what to leave as my offering as I pass the intersection of Ben and Krista trails in the gorgeous Haliburton Forest. I wanted to leave a memento of “us” but we didn't really do that stuff. I thought about laminating one of my favourite pictures of you and I. It's our shadows sitting back to back at the top of Lookout trail at Algonquin. Then I thought about how you may feel next year running by that point with her. How would you feel about it, would you even remember that photo.
Instead my mind drifted back to my beloved little rose quartz. I must have bought it about 20 years ago. I wore it for years. It was supposed to bring me love. I wore it on a longer chain so it would be closer to my heart. I haven't worn the thing in about 6 years or so, but for some reason I don't feel the need to keep that little beautiful piece of stone anymore.
So, I am leaving that palest of pink obelisk at the shrine. I don't really feel worthy of owning it anymore for some reason (which I will explain later) so I will leave it in the forest this weekend. Leave it for the Forest Gods and the Spirit Women of the Forest.
Perhaps they will find it more useful than I.
Shrine – part II
So, I want to go back to the rose quartz and something that has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.
I wonder if, when we are born we get a certain number of “chances” at finding true love and happiness. Sort of like the three wishes you would get from rubbing a genies bottle.
Perhaps, when you are born – you get a predetermined number of “loves” say 2-3, 10. I have been blessed enough to have two very significant and serious kicks at the love can. Neither of which has worked out for one reason or another.
Is that all I get? There are days, and even singular moments that I am perfectly content and happy with this, then there are other moments that the possibility makes me sad, frustrated and angry.
What if I ruined my only chances? What if I am doomed to loneliness and frustration for the next 30 some years because of my own stupid inability to communicate and tell people how I feel about them before it is far too late?
I guess I have 30 some years to ponder that one....
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
Monday, yep.. let's continue the melt-down streak....
in my sleep
I dreamed
you called. you said
you were moving back
with your old lover.
you said you thought a
phone call would be the
cleanest way to handle it,
"it" being that we could
never see each other
again, and that I should
understand why.
I moved to wake
myself and found I wasn't
sleeping after all.
my life became
a nightmare.
Today has been weird.... I layed in bed until noon. I saw that he was going for a run at 8:00 AM with a friend (male friend that I have met) that stopped me from going to the trails. The fear of running (literally) into him..... He sent me a text just before noon today. Asking me to talk to him about something I had asked a few days ago that he didn't understand. I told him to forget about it, that I would work it out on my own.
We chatted very briefly later on this afternoon. It was OK. He said he has thought a lot about what we have gone through and how his only response is that "everything happens for a reason". Yeah. Thanks.
Now he has put a wonderful new "2010" album up on FB. I was catching up on friends photos from the last week or so and it came up. It contains pictures from the winter and of course now the summer. Yes. There is a picture of THEM. He is smiling, she is draped on him. It broke my heart. There is not a single photo that even would leave anyone to believe that I was in his life.....
I think that hurts more than the happy shining couple I saw staring back at me on the screen...
Back to bed for me, after a tall stiff drink.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I dreamed
you called. you said
you were moving back
with your old lover.
you said you thought a
phone call would be the
cleanest way to handle it,
"it" being that we could
never see each other
again, and that I should
understand why.
I moved to wake
myself and found I wasn't
sleeping after all.
my life became
a nightmare.
Today has been weird.... I layed in bed until noon. I saw that he was going for a run at 8:00 AM with a friend (male friend that I have met) that stopped me from going to the trails. The fear of running (literally) into him..... He sent me a text just before noon today. Asking me to talk to him about something I had asked a few days ago that he didn't understand. I told him to forget about it, that I would work it out on my own.
We chatted very briefly later on this afternoon. It was OK. He said he has thought a lot about what we have gone through and how his only response is that "everything happens for a reason". Yeah. Thanks.
Now he has put a wonderful new "2010" album up on FB. I was catching up on friends photos from the last week or so and it came up. It contains pictures from the winter and of course now the summer. Yes. There is a picture of THEM. He is smiling, she is draped on him. It broke my heart. There is not a single photo that even would leave anyone to believe that I was in his life.....
I think that hurts more than the happy shining couple I saw staring back at me on the screen...
Back to bed for me, after a tall stiff drink.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Alone....
When I separated from T back in 2006 I said that I wouldn't get in another relationship until I was able to enjoy and love my own company. I did that. And here I am just a little over 4 years later, devastated and loathing my own company yet again. It's worse now. I hide behind a keyboard and tiny screen. The occasional drink just to the left of my mouse (tonight it's a Strongbow). I avoid my own company by "feeling" connected to the outside by cables and wi-fi. How lame is that.
I have to stop running (well, figuratively, certainly not literally because I haven't been doing that thing that requires foot movement to propel myself forward) running away from myself and my four walls and the pain that is within those four walls. I know, it's only been four weeks.. but it's been a hellish four weeks. When I separated from T, I finally bit the bullet and talked to my GP about going on anti-depressants. What in the hell do I do this time around? It seems to be ten times worse. I know that it's not, but I can't help but feel that way.
Back to last week. I did get an apology for the re-cycled music videos. Not meant to hurt me, and not sure what else he can do. We are both like that. We emote through music. Someone mentioned over the weekend that our FB updates read like duelling "YouTube" video posts some days. Amusing? Maybe - but that's the way we let our feelings out. Only problem is that my songs range from angry to sad to the odd happy one, his are all happy and glowing. :( FFS. It's not supposed to be that way. Those happy, glowing video tributes are supposed to be for me. Not someone else.
Yes - still on hide so no worries.
I have to stop running (well, figuratively, certainly not literally because I haven't been doing that thing that requires foot movement to propel myself forward) running away from myself and my four walls and the pain that is within those four walls. I know, it's only been four weeks.. but it's been a hellish four weeks. When I separated from T, I finally bit the bullet and talked to my GP about going on anti-depressants. What in the hell do I do this time around? It seems to be ten times worse. I know that it's not, but I can't help but feel that way.
Back to last week. I did get an apology for the re-cycled music videos. Not meant to hurt me, and not sure what else he can do. We are both like that. We emote through music. Someone mentioned over the weekend that our FB updates read like duelling "YouTube" video posts some days. Amusing? Maybe - but that's the way we let our feelings out. Only problem is that my songs range from angry to sad to the odd happy one, his are all happy and glowing. :( FFS. It's not supposed to be that way. Those happy, glowing video tributes are supposed to be for me. Not someone else.
Yes - still on hide so no worries.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday mornings...
SUCK!
Last week it was the posted video for "Foot in Cold Water" "Make me do anything you want" A song that I giggled about being reflective of our relationship at one time.
Today I turn on my PC and what do I see posted on FB "Avril Lavigne" "Hot" Jeezus. My heart sank.
I wanna lock you up in my closet
Cause no-one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket
Because you're allowed
So, I had to mention it. Yeah.. bitter Betty rises her ugly head. I sent a quick e-mail stating that while it's nice to know that you're happy and want to share it with everyone, recycling songs that had a meaning to me/us isn't exactly the best way to go about it.
I know that there most likely won't be any response, but I had to let him know.
And here's my "video of the day" A song we used to sing at the top of our lungs in the car, while watching the TV show.... We'll see how and when this one gets posted...
By the way... facebook feed - I've hidden his for a while. That should solve the Monday morning melt downs...
For now.
Last week it was the posted video for "Foot in Cold Water" "Make me do anything you want" A song that I giggled about being reflective of our relationship at one time.
Today I turn on my PC and what do I see posted on FB "Avril Lavigne" "Hot" Jeezus. My heart sank.
I wanna lock you up in my closet
Cause no-one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket
Because you're allowed
So, I had to mention it. Yeah.. bitter Betty rises her ugly head. I sent a quick e-mail stating that while it's nice to know that you're happy and want to share it with everyone, recycling songs that had a meaning to me/us isn't exactly the best way to go about it.
I know that there most likely won't be any response, but I had to let him know.
And here's my "video of the day" A song we used to sing at the top of our lungs in the car, while watching the TV show.... We'll see how and when this one gets posted...
By the way... facebook feed - I've hidden his for a while. That should solve the Monday morning melt downs...
For now.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Not sleeping again.. :(
I had been doing really, really well.
Or so I thought.
All it took was a posted video of an old song on his facebook page. Damn. Sent me back about 10 steps. That was a song that we had discussed over & over again, how I felt it was such a great description of what we did, how we worked in a specific aspect of our "relationship".
Seeing a video from a 1972 TV performance of this stupid song kept me up all night.
So I wrote.
While I won't share a lot of the things I wrote on my blog (maybe I will, but not all at once) it helps a bit. Just a bit.
But every little bit helps right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What will it be like?
not to speak to you every day
not to be so happy to see a little window pop up with "Hey" on a screen
to no longer have your hugs and kisses good night
I can't bear to think about it
Yet here I am, living it
Hating it
Missing you
Missing us
Hating that it has come to this.....
Missing me.
Or so I thought.
All it took was a posted video of an old song on his facebook page. Damn. Sent me back about 10 steps. That was a song that we had discussed over & over again, how I felt it was such a great description of what we did, how we worked in a specific aspect of our "relationship".
Seeing a video from a 1972 TV performance of this stupid song kept me up all night.
So I wrote.
While I won't share a lot of the things I wrote on my blog (maybe I will, but not all at once) it helps a bit. Just a bit.
But every little bit helps right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What will it be like?
not to speak to you every day
not to be so happy to see a little window pop up with "Hey" on a screen
to no longer have your hugs and kisses good night
I can't bear to think about it
Yet here I am, living it
Hating it
Missing you
Missing us
Hating that it has come to this.....
Missing me.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
As Pheonix rises....
I have loved this song from the first time I heard it. I finally listened to (more closely) and looked up the lyrics today as I heard it (and subsequently cranked the stereo volume) when I was out running a few errands on Friday.
Ironically enough, K burnt the CD for me. Cest la vie.
So, I'm going to do something I've always toyed with doing over the next few weeks. I'm going to go see a psychic.
Anyone (of my handful of followers.. lol) ever been?
Not sure what I am expecting from the visit. I just want to know that everything will be all right and that I won't be alone...
Is that too much to ask?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Dusting off my scraped knees....
and beginning to have a better understanding....
So, we have had some healthy communication (as in me not blaming, accusing and all the nasty things I have been doing lately). I assumed many things over the past 11 days and we have cleared up some of those assumptions I made.
I had a lot of things (personal, aside from "us") in July. He tried to be respectful and gentle with me knowing how fragile I already was. Danm him for being caring and considerate. He didn't realize until I had sent him the e-mail on my return from Mansfield that I wasn't getting what he was saying. He had to put an end to it then and there.
Stop my suffering.
there is nothing to be
done.
only accept it. . .
and hurt.
Will we be friends again?
We will ALWAYS be friends. He has been such an impact on my life over the past 3+ years that I can't imagine never speaking or communicating again. But he is aware that it will take much time on my part. I don't have any sort of clue about how "much" it will be; weeks, months, years? No idea at all. But I know he will always be in my life in some capacity.
So, we have had some healthy communication (as in me not blaming, accusing and all the nasty things I have been doing lately). I assumed many things over the past 11 days and we have cleared up some of those assumptions I made.
I had a lot of things (personal, aside from "us") in July. He tried to be respectful and gentle with me knowing how fragile I already was. Danm him for being caring and considerate. He didn't realize until I had sent him the e-mail on my return from Mansfield that I wasn't getting what he was saying. He had to put an end to it then and there.
Stop my suffering.
there is nothing to be
done.
only accept it. . .
and hurt.
Will we be friends again?
We will ALWAYS be friends. He has been such an impact on my life over the past 3+ years that I can't imagine never speaking or communicating again. But he is aware that it will take much time on my part. I don't have any sort of clue about how "much" it will be; weeks, months, years? No idea at all. But I know he will always be in my life in some capacity.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
No longer a running blog for a while.....
What do I do
now that you're gone?
Well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Paralyzed, motionless
for awhile,
nothing moving
inside or out.
Then I think
how much I miss you.
Then I feel
fear
pain
loneliness
desolation.
Then
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Interesting pastime.
So, here I sit. Bawling my eyes out for hmmm, day 10 now. Is it any easier. Not at all. We have communicated a bit. He is trying (with minimal success) to apologize. Tries to justify his actions. Not working.
A friend gave me Peter McWilliams' name and I have started reading a bit (the above is by him). So many of his poems strike me right through the heart.
I got a text on Sunday, he was telling me that the abscess in his back/shoulder has returned. Up to about 2 weeks ago it was finally healing up well. This has been going on since the end of May and he(I) were excited that running was back on schedule and the pain/aggravation of the infection was going away.
All I could do was respond and say "sorry, that sucks, but the hurt part of me only has one thing to say: Karma Baby" I am not the type of person to say these things, especially to those that I love. But it's all I could think about saying.
A tiny addendum about running. I have decided to withdraw from my 50K on September 11. My head and heart are not into it. He is the one who got me interested in the whole Ultra thing and for the time being that has been taken away from me, along with a whole bunch of other things that I enjoy doing. Am I wrong in giving the power to take these things away from me? Probably, but I have to do what I have to do now. And staying off the trails is what I need to do.
Peace and love..
T
now that you're gone?
Well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Paralyzed, motionless
for awhile,
nothing moving
inside or out.
Then I think
how much I miss you.
Then I feel
fear
pain
loneliness
desolation.
Then
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Interesting pastime.
So, here I sit. Bawling my eyes out for hmmm, day 10 now. Is it any easier. Not at all. We have communicated a bit. He is trying (with minimal success) to apologize. Tries to justify his actions. Not working.
A friend gave me Peter McWilliams' name and I have started reading a bit (the above is by him). So many of his poems strike me right through the heart.
I got a text on Sunday, he was telling me that the abscess in his back/shoulder has returned. Up to about 2 weeks ago it was finally healing up well. This has been going on since the end of May and he(I) were excited that running was back on schedule and the pain/aggravation of the infection was going away.
All I could do was respond and say "sorry, that sucks, but the hurt part of me only has one thing to say: Karma Baby" I am not the type of person to say these things, especially to those that I love. But it's all I could think about saying.
A tiny addendum about running. I have decided to withdraw from my 50K on September 11. My head and heart are not into it. He is the one who got me interested in the whole Ultra thing and for the time being that has been taken away from me, along with a whole bunch of other things that I enjoy doing. Am I wrong in giving the power to take these things away from me? Probably, but I have to do what I have to do now. And staying off the trails is what I need to do.
Peace and love..
T
Monday, August 09, 2010
BMFA by Martha Wainwright
BMFA by Martha Wainwright
Big thanks to "Freckles" for reminding me of this awesome Martha Wainright Song.
Sums up how I am feeling right now. Today not so good, I don't function well on 2 hours of sleep, emphasized by the lack of sleep from the 2 previous nights of camping.
I have stupidly sent 2 e-mails outlining how angry, frustrated and pissed off I am. I doubt they will be read, but writing them was a necessary part of my healing process. How could someone I cared so deeply for and trusted so much end up being so cruel?
Cruel to be kind?
Sort of backfired me thinks.
Big thanks to "Freckles" for reminding me of this awesome Martha Wainright Song.
Sums up how I am feeling right now. Today not so good, I don't function well on 2 hours of sleep, emphasized by the lack of sleep from the 2 previous nights of camping.
I have stupidly sent 2 e-mails outlining how angry, frustrated and pissed off I am. I doubt they will be read, but writing them was a necessary part of my healing process. How could someone I cared so deeply for and trusted so much end up being so cruel?
Cruel to be kind?
Sort of backfired me thinks.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
FML, seriously... FML
So, again I am blindsided. After what I thought was a fantastic talk with the boy I call my best friend last Friday and a relatively good week, I get completely kicked in the gut tonight.
I have lost my best friend, and his children (who I adore). This is the person that I have spend the better part of the last four years adoring and being there for. I am sitting here in a puddle, I shouldn't be writing, but I decided to screw it and write as I am feeling things. What exactly is it I am feeling?
Hurt
lost
Broken *Utterly broken
Pissed off
ANGRY
I said I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time. The person who mysteriously drifted back into his life a mere 6 weeks ago has decided to separate from her husband. While "boy" said a few weeks ago he would not jump into anything with her if her marriage ended, he certainly dove right in.
While I was running my @ss off in Mansfield for 6 hours, they were up North deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. Yes, after a run, lunch, a couple of e-mails and 48 hours they have decided that is how things will be.
How's that for waiting a while...
The fucking ink isn't even dry.
I am now another piece of crap that he has filtered out while cleaning and I am left to sit in a blue plastic bag at the side of the curb for pick up with the rest of the recycling.
That's all I've got right now... I'm certain there will be much more as I process this over the next few days, that's for sure.
Thanks "boy" I hope you enjoy your new life.
I have lost my best friend, and his children (who I adore). This is the person that I have spend the better part of the last four years adoring and being there for. I am sitting here in a puddle, I shouldn't be writing, but I decided to screw it and write as I am feeling things. What exactly is it I am feeling?
Hurt
lost
Broken *Utterly broken
Pissed off
ANGRY
I said I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time. The person who mysteriously drifted back into his life a mere 6 weeks ago has decided to separate from her husband. While "boy" said a few weeks ago he would not jump into anything with her if her marriage ended, he certainly dove right in.
While I was running my @ss off in Mansfield for 6 hours, they were up North deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. Yes, after a run, lunch, a couple of e-mails and 48 hours they have decided that is how things will be.
How's that for waiting a while...
The fucking ink isn't even dry.
I am now another piece of crap that he has filtered out while cleaning and I am left to sit in a blue plastic bag at the side of the curb for pick up with the rest of the recycling.
That's all I've got right now... I'm certain there will be much more as I process this over the next few days, that's for sure.
Thanks "boy" I hope you enjoy your new life.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Stuff.... lots and lots of stuff
It's been 2 weeks since my last post. Who was I to even begin to know what would happen in the days following. If I had, maybe I would have done things differently? Knowing me though, I doubt it.
I sit here at 9:45 in the morning. I was supposed to leave for a 7 hour hike/trail run 2 hours ago, but here I am sitting on my couch ready to post a lengthy update on life, love, sadness and everything BUT running. Oh, I am dressed for my run, my bag is packed, I have 2 - 2 litre water bladders filled and chilled in the fridge, yet I sit here on my couch, barely able to move. I have the weather network on, I am hearing that the humid-ex will be going up in an hour or two, now I'm thinking I've left it too late to head out for 30-40Km in the woods. So why bother even going.
OK, I wasn't going to make today's entry about running, so that's it. Take it as you will. I am a procrastinator. It will haunt me forever apparently. It has affected work, friends and relationships all my life. And yet again my "easy going"(or what I like people to see - hides the procrastinator)personality has ruined yet another relationship in my life. Why did I wait almost 4 years before telling someone what they really meant to me? What made me assume the things I did about how they felt about me? Wishful thinking, hoping? Thinking that by not saying anything that I wouldn't "rock the boat" you know the whole "if it aint broke" adage.
So now I sit here, my third significant relationship of my life-ending in almost the same way. By me being blindsided. Thinking all along that everything was sunshine and daisies, skipping along merrily in my brain singing la-dee-da. Only to have someone walk right up to me face to face and knock me flat on my ass (figuratively)
I remember the first time I told a boy (yes, I am reverting to being a 15 year old) that "I loved him" I remember clearly hearing the crickets chirping. Within a few weeks we drifted apart and that was that.
The second, my husband. Ten years later, he told me he didn't want to be married any more. Totally out of left field. It left me reeling, feeling inadequate, stupid, used and about a thousand other things.
So, third time's a charm?
Think again. Did I wait too long? I mean suddenly springing the dreaded "L" word on someone who is your best friend and is perceived as your boyfriend by the entire word would be the natural progression right? Not so. When you are told that the phrase would be reciprocated with *as my best friend how do you react to that?
So suddenly I find myself yet again, lost. How will my best friend feel around me knowing that my feelings are deeper? How will I react when I see that friend moving on without me. I don't even want to begin to imagine it, but I have to be realistic about this. We do know that this will change our friendship. I am trying not to let it, but it's breaking my heart. We watched a movie together last night, sitting with an extra space between us on the couch. Me trying not to run my fingers through his hair when he sat on the floor in front of me. No hug & kiss as I left. IT HURTS
I've explained my theory, that for me a deep friendship (which is what we have) is the pillar to a long-lasting relationship. That I believe that people who excite us can drift in & out of our lives as quickly as they pop in and that we can't always act on these reactions. (The discussions we have been having have been prompted by someone who has come into his life and made him feel emotions that he does not feel with me). He realizes that he may have taken me for granted, knowing that I am always around and feels that he has been unfair to me. Yes, I am always around, always available on chat or messenger, I reply to texts with lightning speed. So I am trying something new for a few weeks. I am not going to be there at the drop of a hat. I won't be on messenger very often, texts - I may wait an hour or so to reply. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Will he realize what he has when it's not there any more? I'm not sure. And I'm not doing this on purpose, I am doing this for me. I need to take some time away, time to process my feelings a bit further.
This coming weekend is going to be a big test, something we always do together. I am going to an ultra race, camping and hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. This may be immensely difficult. There will be times in the next 4 days that I seriously consider NOT going, but I am offering assistance to a friend who is running 24 hours. I have promised to be there for her during the night.
I just hope she doesn't ask me how things are going with K. She may run screaming and looking for a new pacer for the rest of the night. ;)
I sit here at 9:45 in the morning. I was supposed to leave for a 7 hour hike/trail run 2 hours ago, but here I am sitting on my couch ready to post a lengthy update on life, love, sadness and everything BUT running. Oh, I am dressed for my run, my bag is packed, I have 2 - 2 litre water bladders filled and chilled in the fridge, yet I sit here on my couch, barely able to move. I have the weather network on, I am hearing that the humid-ex will be going up in an hour or two, now I'm thinking I've left it too late to head out for 30-40Km in the woods. So why bother even going.
OK, I wasn't going to make today's entry about running, so that's it. Take it as you will. I am a procrastinator. It will haunt me forever apparently. It has affected work, friends and relationships all my life. And yet again my "easy going"(or what I like people to see - hides the procrastinator)personality has ruined yet another relationship in my life. Why did I wait almost 4 years before telling someone what they really meant to me? What made me assume the things I did about how they felt about me? Wishful thinking, hoping? Thinking that by not saying anything that I wouldn't "rock the boat" you know the whole "if it aint broke" adage.
So now I sit here, my third significant relationship of my life-ending in almost the same way. By me being blindsided. Thinking all along that everything was sunshine and daisies, skipping along merrily in my brain singing la-dee-da. Only to have someone walk right up to me face to face and knock me flat on my ass (figuratively)
I remember the first time I told a boy (yes, I am reverting to being a 15 year old) that "I loved him" I remember clearly hearing the crickets chirping. Within a few weeks we drifted apart and that was that.
The second, my husband. Ten years later, he told me he didn't want to be married any more. Totally out of left field. It left me reeling, feeling inadequate, stupid, used and about a thousand other things.
So, third time's a charm?
Think again. Did I wait too long? I mean suddenly springing the dreaded "L" word on someone who is your best friend and is perceived as your boyfriend by the entire word would be the natural progression right? Not so. When you are told that the phrase would be reciprocated with *as my best friend how do you react to that?
So suddenly I find myself yet again, lost. How will my best friend feel around me knowing that my feelings are deeper? How will I react when I see that friend moving on without me. I don't even want to begin to imagine it, but I have to be realistic about this. We do know that this will change our friendship. I am trying not to let it, but it's breaking my heart. We watched a movie together last night, sitting with an extra space between us on the couch. Me trying not to run my fingers through his hair when he sat on the floor in front of me. No hug & kiss as I left. IT HURTS
I've explained my theory, that for me a deep friendship (which is what we have) is the pillar to a long-lasting relationship. That I believe that people who excite us can drift in & out of our lives as quickly as they pop in and that we can't always act on these reactions. (The discussions we have been having have been prompted by someone who has come into his life and made him feel emotions that he does not feel with me). He realizes that he may have taken me for granted, knowing that I am always around and feels that he has been unfair to me. Yes, I am always around, always available on chat or messenger, I reply to texts with lightning speed. So I am trying something new for a few weeks. I am not going to be there at the drop of a hat. I won't be on messenger very often, texts - I may wait an hour or so to reply. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Will he realize what he has when it's not there any more? I'm not sure. And I'm not doing this on purpose, I am doing this for me. I need to take some time away, time to process my feelings a bit further.
This coming weekend is going to be a big test, something we always do together. I am going to an ultra race, camping and hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. This may be immensely difficult. There will be times in the next 4 days that I seriously consider NOT going, but I am offering assistance to a friend who is running 24 hours. I have promised to be there for her during the night.
I just hope she doesn't ask me how things are going with K. She may run screaming and looking for a new pacer for the rest of the night. ;)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Ungh... Ungh... and again?
Where to begin. I'm in a funk, a funk that could border on epic proportions if I ignore it. I have incredible friends. I know that they are there for me, but I need to learn to rely on them more. I can't do/fix everything on my own now can I ;)
I need to learn to speak my mind, tell people how/what I feel about things, about them. I have to stop shutting down when I don't see things shaking out the way that I hope/want them to. I have to find a way to keep enjoying what I do (make that LOVE what I do) and get rid of the bull$hit that ruins it for me.
Crap. I need to do a lot of things.
OK, enough moaning for now (but I think I will return to these things regularly on my blog as I need to find a method to better get them out of my head and "out there" which is the first step for me) Back to the task at hand. My Ultra debut.
Today was a sucky day, a sucky run and I now I sit here drinking a cold coffee and icing my stupid, sucky knee which is swollen up. I haven't been able to put in the mileage I would like. Partly due to my stupid schedule, partly because of my expert procrastination techniques. I really should write a book about it! I have been doing about 90% of my runs on the treadmill between clients while I'm at the gym. Not the best, but hey - getting the shorter stuff all looked after in a timely manner. One of my fellow GL trainers did her first ultra back last fall. She did 100% of her training on the treadmill! SHOCKING! And even more shocking, she came in within a couple of minutes of my Ultra hero, inspiration and friend Kinga Miklos. She trained on a TM and finished 50K within minutes of the ULTRA QUEEN!
Now, I may be a dreamer, but I'm not a complete idiot. I am no where near Kinga's speed or endurance but hey.. it can be done!
Today I headed to Fanshawe Conservation area after I had trained a client. First mistake - I got there at 11:30 - the temperature (in the shade) was 28.5 degrees c, with a humidity factor of 37 degrees c. My intention was to run/hike the 20K loop, work on my endurance and just time on my tootsies. This is the closest terrain to what I'll be dealing with in August in Mansfield at Dirty Girls, and then again at Haliburton in September. So this has been my intended long run/hike location.
Today was brutal, it was humbling, it was draining. It was all I could do to squeek an out & back out of my legs & lungs. I know that the heat & humidity was a factor, but my knee also started twinging about 5-6 K in. UNGH.
I ran out of water, I ran out of steam, I ran out of confidence. I cut it short and went out 45 minutes & back 45 minutes. I probably ended up about 11 K or so of my intended 20K today.
While I was out there, my mind was all over the place, I was watching the butterflies, I stopped once (for a minute) to pick & eat some raspberries, I jumped off the trail for a lot of friendly MTB dudes and one idiot who feels he's got a shot at the Olympics I'm thinking. I thought about how much I adore it out there, how much it means to me to be active and able to slog away at the trails at least. I have a bunch of clients who I am sure would give their left arm (who gives away an arm anyhow? Weird expression) to do what I do. But I still felt sad out there today. I worry that I may be on the verge of losing my best friend. The person who keeps me going back out there & doing these things like riding & hiking & spending time out-doors. I wondered what I would do or how I would enjoy these things if I didn't have my bff to share them with. I worry about being a poseur with my whole, lets do a 50K dream/plan. I know I won't be running a lot of it, especially now with my knee issues today.
So... this post is going to become epic in size if I don't stop clicking away at the keys now, so I'll leave it at this.
I have a lot of things to think about and to do. Best get back to reading "Get paid for who you are" (and thanks to the person who directed me to the book.. you know who you are!)
Peace out peeps! :)
I need to learn to speak my mind, tell people how/what I feel about things, about them. I have to stop shutting down when I don't see things shaking out the way that I hope/want them to. I have to find a way to keep enjoying what I do (make that LOVE what I do) and get rid of the bull$hit that ruins it for me.
Crap. I need to do a lot of things.
OK, enough moaning for now (but I think I will return to these things regularly on my blog as I need to find a method to better get them out of my head and "out there" which is the first step for me) Back to the task at hand. My Ultra debut.
Today was a sucky day, a sucky run and I now I sit here drinking a cold coffee and icing my stupid, sucky knee which is swollen up. I haven't been able to put in the mileage I would like. Partly due to my stupid schedule, partly because of my expert procrastination techniques. I really should write a book about it! I have been doing about 90% of my runs on the treadmill between clients while I'm at the gym. Not the best, but hey - getting the shorter stuff all looked after in a timely manner. One of my fellow GL trainers did her first ultra back last fall. She did 100% of her training on the treadmill! SHOCKING! And even more shocking, she came in within a couple of minutes of my Ultra hero, inspiration and friend Kinga Miklos. She trained on a TM and finished 50K within minutes of the ULTRA QUEEN!
Now, I may be a dreamer, but I'm not a complete idiot. I am no where near Kinga's speed or endurance but hey.. it can be done!
Today I headed to Fanshawe Conservation area after I had trained a client. First mistake - I got there at 11:30 - the temperature (in the shade) was 28.5 degrees c, with a humidity factor of 37 degrees c. My intention was to run/hike the 20K loop, work on my endurance and just time on my tootsies. This is the closest terrain to what I'll be dealing with in August in Mansfield at Dirty Girls, and then again at Haliburton in September. So this has been my intended long run/hike location.
Today was brutal, it was humbling, it was draining. It was all I could do to squeek an out & back out of my legs & lungs. I know that the heat & humidity was a factor, but my knee also started twinging about 5-6 K in. UNGH.
I ran out of water, I ran out of steam, I ran out of confidence. I cut it short and went out 45 minutes & back 45 minutes. I probably ended up about 11 K or so of my intended 20K today.
While I was out there, my mind was all over the place, I was watching the butterflies, I stopped once (for a minute) to pick & eat some raspberries, I jumped off the trail for a lot of friendly MTB dudes and one idiot who feels he's got a shot at the Olympics I'm thinking. I thought about how much I adore it out there, how much it means to me to be active and able to slog away at the trails at least. I have a bunch of clients who I am sure would give their left arm (who gives away an arm anyhow? Weird expression) to do what I do. But I still felt sad out there today. I worry that I may be on the verge of losing my best friend. The person who keeps me going back out there & doing these things like riding & hiking & spending time out-doors. I wondered what I would do or how I would enjoy these things if I didn't have my bff to share them with. I worry about being a poseur with my whole, lets do a 50K dream/plan. I know I won't be running a lot of it, especially now with my knee issues today.
So... this post is going to become epic in size if I don't stop clicking away at the keys now, so I'll leave it at this.
I have a lot of things to think about and to do. Best get back to reading "Get paid for who you are" (and thanks to the person who directed me to the book.. you know who you are!)
Peace out peeps! :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Look at what I found!
To my poor, poor little blog. I apologize. I apologize for only using you when I needed you, and then neglecting you like a ratty old towel & stuffing you in the back of the closet. It's time to dig you out, give you a good soak & hang you out in the sun.
Exactly where you belong.
What's gone on since April 2007. Sheesh, that's 3 years, I can't possibly sum it all up in a few lines can I?
Remainder of 2007:
Worked, swam, ran, biked. Ran a whole lot more. Did a whole schwack of try-a-tri races. Finished the season first overall in the series for Athena's over the age of 40. Went to Chicago. Marathon attempt # 1. Epic fail. Not my fault, the organization stopped the race. Yeah, you may have heard about it. Marathon attempt # 2 - YAY! Detroit, 2007 - 42.2/26.6 in the books.
2008:
Well, the year went fabulously until November 2. I lost my 18+ year job with ING (now referred to as Intact Insurance (what a goofy name, I always want to say Impact!) I raced, not as hard or as much as 2007, but saw improvements in triathlon distance and HUGE leaps forward in my swimming. Fast forward to December, I squeeze into the very last spot of the year in the Can-Fit-Pro Personal Trainer Specialist course. What will 2009 hold for me????
2009:
Get hired pretty much immediately by GoodLife. Yep, I'm now a personal trainer. Who'd have thought that. The slightly chubby, awkward girl who rode horses & never quite fit in no matter how hard she tried. Now I motivate and kick hiney. Getting paid to do so in the process! Huh. Although dodgeball I admit that it still scares the snot out of me ;) Running and tri, I did some.
Oh yeah.. half IronMan. I almost forgot that one. 70.3 miles - the list just keeps on growing.
Fast forward to 2010:
January - blow out my knee cross country skiing. Diagnosis: Patella Femoral. Prognosis: get my lazy @ss (literally my @ss muscles are the root of all that ails me) working properly. That was my focus for February & March. Take a Life Coaching course to add to my "bag of goodies" that I can offer my clients (whom I am LOVING) April - May, do a little bit of running, the knee is feeling much better and I am continuing to keep my hiney occupied with glute stretches, isometrics & lots of fun strength stuff. My hiney has a love-hate relationship with me these days. ;) June sees me return to the wonderful world of triathlon.
Yeah.. wonderful if you are trained, if you are not so well trained? Lets just say I got out of it exactly what I put into it. As well as a reality check. I finished & had fun. That's what matters at the beginning of the season doesn't it? Isn't it all about the smile that beams across your face at the finish line?
So, what's next you may ask my little blog? Why have you been pulled out of the back of the linen closet & dusted off?
Well, here is is:
On the "eve" of my 46th, I have bitten off a big chunk, a big chunk of roots, rocks, trees and wild life. I've registered for my very first "Ultra" race. Ultra races are runs that are longer than the standard 42.2KM that comprise a marathon.
September 11, 2010 (I didn't realize the significance of the date until I received my confirmation). I will be running/walking/crawling FIFTY KILOMETRES in the beautiful Haliburton Forest.
So there you go blog. You are somewhat up to date, and will be the recipient of my cursing, musing, highs & lows over the next few months.
You happy now?
You had better be ;)
Exactly where you belong.
What's gone on since April 2007. Sheesh, that's 3 years, I can't possibly sum it all up in a few lines can I?
Remainder of 2007:
Worked, swam, ran, biked. Ran a whole lot more. Did a whole schwack of try-a-tri races. Finished the season first overall in the series for Athena's over the age of 40. Went to Chicago. Marathon attempt # 1. Epic fail. Not my fault, the organization stopped the race. Yeah, you may have heard about it. Marathon attempt # 2 - YAY! Detroit, 2007 - 42.2/26.6 in the books.
2008:
Well, the year went fabulously until November 2. I lost my 18+ year job with ING (now referred to as Intact Insurance (what a goofy name, I always want to say Impact!) I raced, not as hard or as much as 2007, but saw improvements in triathlon distance and HUGE leaps forward in my swimming. Fast forward to December, I squeeze into the very last spot of the year in the Can-Fit-Pro Personal Trainer Specialist course. What will 2009 hold for me????
2009:
Get hired pretty much immediately by GoodLife. Yep, I'm now a personal trainer. Who'd have thought that. The slightly chubby, awkward girl who rode horses & never quite fit in no matter how hard she tried. Now I motivate and kick hiney. Getting paid to do so in the process! Huh. Although dodgeball I admit that it still scares the snot out of me ;) Running and tri, I did some.
Oh yeah.. half IronMan. I almost forgot that one. 70.3 miles - the list just keeps on growing.
Fast forward to 2010:
January - blow out my knee cross country skiing. Diagnosis: Patella Femoral. Prognosis: get my lazy @ss (literally my @ss muscles are the root of all that ails me) working properly. That was my focus for February & March. Take a Life Coaching course to add to my "bag of goodies" that I can offer my clients (whom I am LOVING) April - May, do a little bit of running, the knee is feeling much better and I am continuing to keep my hiney occupied with glute stretches, isometrics & lots of fun strength stuff. My hiney has a love-hate relationship with me these days. ;) June sees me return to the wonderful world of triathlon.
Yeah.. wonderful if you are trained, if you are not so well trained? Lets just say I got out of it exactly what I put into it. As well as a reality check. I finished & had fun. That's what matters at the beginning of the season doesn't it? Isn't it all about the smile that beams across your face at the finish line?
So, what's next you may ask my little blog? Why have you been pulled out of the back of the linen closet & dusted off?
Well, here is is:
On the "eve" of my 46th, I have bitten off a big chunk, a big chunk of roots, rocks, trees and wild life. I've registered for my very first "Ultra" race. Ultra races are runs that are longer than the standard 42.2KM that comprise a marathon.
September 11, 2010 (I didn't realize the significance of the date until I received my confirmation). I will be running/walking/crawling FIFTY KILOMETRES in the beautiful Haliburton Forest.
So there you go blog. You are somewhat up to date, and will be the recipient of my cursing, musing, highs & lows over the next few months.
You happy now?
You had better be ;)
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