Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Forest Shrine - Haliburton 2010 - musings and thinking out loud...

The Forest Shrine. I'm not sure if you are supposed to talk about it, or if there is some sort of rule about it.

You know like fight club. First rule of the Haliburton Forest Shrine is to NOT talk about the Haliburton Forest Shrine. Or something along those lines.

So I may be entering taboo ground here, but oh well.. I can't make things any worse than they have been lately, can I? ;) I've been lamenting over what to leave as my offering as I pass the intersection of Ben and Krista trails in the gorgeous Haliburton Forest. I wanted to leave a memento of “us” but we didn't really do that stuff. I thought about laminating one of my favourite pictures of you and I. It's our shadows sitting back to back at the top of Lookout trail at Algonquin. Then I thought about how you may feel next year running by that point with her. How would you feel about it, would you even remember that photo.

Instead my mind drifted back to my beloved little rose quartz. I must have bought it about 20 years ago. I wore it for years. It was supposed to bring me love. I wore it on a longer chain so it would be closer to my heart. I haven't worn the thing in about 6 years or so, but for some reason I don't feel the need to keep that little beautiful piece of stone anymore.

So, I am leaving that palest of pink obelisk at the shrine. I don't really feel worthy of owning it anymore for some reason (which I will explain later) so I will leave it in the forest this weekend. Leave it for the Forest Gods and the Spirit Women of the Forest.

Perhaps they will find it more useful than I.


Shrine – part II


So, I want to go back to the rose quartz and something that has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.

I wonder if, when we are born we get a certain number of “chances” at finding true love and happiness. Sort of like the three wishes you would get from rubbing a genies bottle.

Perhaps, when you are born – you get a predetermined number of “loves” say 2-3, 10. I have been blessed enough to have two very significant and serious kicks at the love can. Neither of which has worked out for one reason or another.

Is that all I get? There are days, and even singular moments that I am perfectly content and happy with this, then there are other moments that the possibility makes me sad, frustrated and angry.

What if I ruined my only chances? What if I am doomed to loneliness and frustration for the next 30 some years because of my own stupid inability to communicate and tell people how I feel about them before it is far too late?

I guess I have 30 some years to ponder that one....

Monday, September 06, 2010

Monday, yep.. let's continue the melt-down streak....

in my sleep
I dreamed
you called. you said
you were moving back
with your old lover.
you said you thought a
phone call would be the
cleanest way to handle it,
"it" being that we could
never see each other
again, and that I should
understand why.
I moved to wake
myself and found I wasn't
sleeping after all.
my life became
a nightmare.

Today has been weird.... I layed in bed until noon. I saw that he was going for a run at 8:00 AM with a friend (male friend that I have met) that stopped me from going to the trails. The fear of running (literally) into him..... He sent me a text just before noon today. Asking me to talk to him about something I had asked a few days ago that he didn't understand. I told him to forget about it, that I would work it out on my own.

We chatted very briefly later on this afternoon. It was OK. He said he has thought a lot about what we have gone through and how his only response is that "everything happens for a reason". Yeah. Thanks.

Now he has put a wonderful new "2010" album up on FB. I was catching up on friends photos from the last week or so and it came up. It contains pictures from the winter and of course now the summer. Yes. There is a picture of THEM. He is smiling, she is draped on him. It broke my heart. There is not a single photo that even would leave anyone to believe that I was in his life.....

I think that hurts more than the happy shining couple I saw staring back at me on the screen...

Back to bed for me, after a tall stiff drink.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Alone....

When I separated from T back in 2006 I said that I wouldn't get in another relationship until I was able to enjoy and love my own company. I did that. And here I am just a little over 4 years later, devastated and loathing my own company yet again. It's worse now. I hide behind a keyboard and tiny screen. The occasional drink just to the left of my mouse (tonight it's a Strongbow). I avoid my own company by "feeling" connected to the outside by cables and wi-fi. How lame is that.

I have to stop running (well, figuratively, certainly not literally because I haven't been doing that thing that requires foot movement to propel myself forward) running away from myself and my four walls and the pain that is within those four walls. I know, it's only been four weeks.. but it's been a hellish four weeks. When I separated from T, I finally bit the bullet and talked to my GP about going on anti-depressants. What in the hell do I do this time around? It seems to be ten times worse. I know that it's not, but I can't help but feel that way.

Back to last week. I did get an apology for the re-cycled music videos. Not meant to hurt me, and not sure what else he can do. We are both like that. We emote through music. Someone mentioned over the weekend that our FB updates read like duelling "YouTube" video posts some days. Amusing? Maybe - but that's the way we let our feelings out. Only problem is that my songs range from angry to sad to the odd happy one, his are all happy and glowing. :( FFS. It's not supposed to be that way. Those happy, glowing video tributes are supposed to be for me. Not someone else.

Yes - still on hide so no worries.