Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Forest Shrine - Haliburton 2010 - musings and thinking out loud...

The Forest Shrine. I'm not sure if you are supposed to talk about it, or if there is some sort of rule about it.

You know like fight club. First rule of the Haliburton Forest Shrine is to NOT talk about the Haliburton Forest Shrine. Or something along those lines.

So I may be entering taboo ground here, but oh well.. I can't make things any worse than they have been lately, can I? ;) I've been lamenting over what to leave as my offering as I pass the intersection of Ben and Krista trails in the gorgeous Haliburton Forest. I wanted to leave a memento of “us” but we didn't really do that stuff. I thought about laminating one of my favourite pictures of you and I. It's our shadows sitting back to back at the top of Lookout trail at Algonquin. Then I thought about how you may feel next year running by that point with her. How would you feel about it, would you even remember that photo.

Instead my mind drifted back to my beloved little rose quartz. I must have bought it about 20 years ago. I wore it for years. It was supposed to bring me love. I wore it on a longer chain so it would be closer to my heart. I haven't worn the thing in about 6 years or so, but for some reason I don't feel the need to keep that little beautiful piece of stone anymore.

So, I am leaving that palest of pink obelisk at the shrine. I don't really feel worthy of owning it anymore for some reason (which I will explain later) so I will leave it in the forest this weekend. Leave it for the Forest Gods and the Spirit Women of the Forest.

Perhaps they will find it more useful than I.

Shrine – part II

So, I want to go back to the rose quartz and something that has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.

I wonder if, when we are born we get a certain number of “chances” at finding true love and happiness. Sort of like the three wishes you would get from rubbing a genies bottle.

Perhaps, when you are born – you get a predetermined number of “loves” say 2-3, 10. I have been blessed enough to have two very significant and serious kicks at the love can. Neither of which has worked out for one reason or another.

Is that all I get? There are days, and even singular moments that I am perfectly content and happy with this, then there are other moments that the possibility makes me sad, frustrated and angry.

What if I ruined my only chances? What if I am doomed to loneliness and frustration for the next 30 some years because of my own stupid inability to communicate and tell people how I feel about them before it is far too late?

I guess I have 30 some years to ponder that one....

Monday, September 06, 2010

Monday, yep.. let's continue the melt-down streak....

in my sleep
I dreamed
you called. you said
you were moving back
with your old lover.
you said you thought a
phone call would be the
cleanest way to handle it,
"it" being that we could
never see each other
again, and that I should
understand why.
I moved to wake
myself and found I wasn't
sleeping after all.
my life became
a nightmare.

Today has been weird.... I layed in bed until noon. I saw that he was going for a run at 8:00 AM with a friend (male friend that I have met) that stopped me from going to the trails. The fear of running (literally) into him..... He sent me a text just before noon today. Asking me to talk to him about something I had asked a few days ago that he didn't understand. I told him to forget about it, that I would work it out on my own.

We chatted very briefly later on this afternoon. It was OK. He said he has thought a lot about what we have gone through and how his only response is that "everything happens for a reason". Yeah. Thanks.

Now he has put a wonderful new "2010" album up on FB. I was catching up on friends photos from the last week or so and it came up. It contains pictures from the winter and of course now the summer. Yes. There is a picture of THEM. He is smiling, she is draped on him. It broke my heart. There is not a single photo that even would leave anyone to believe that I was in his life.....

I think that hurts more than the happy shining couple I saw staring back at me on the screen...

Back to bed for me, after a tall stiff drink.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Sunday, September 05, 2010


When I separated from T back in 2006 I said that I wouldn't get in another relationship until I was able to enjoy and love my own company. I did that. And here I am just a little over 4 years later, devastated and loathing my own company yet again. It's worse now. I hide behind a keyboard and tiny screen. The occasional drink just to the left of my mouse (tonight it's a Strongbow). I avoid my own company by "feeling" connected to the outside by cables and wi-fi. How lame is that.

I have to stop running (well, figuratively, certainly not literally because I haven't been doing that thing that requires foot movement to propel myself forward) running away from myself and my four walls and the pain that is within those four walls. I know, it's only been four weeks.. but it's been a hellish four weeks. When I separated from T, I finally bit the bullet and talked to my GP about going on anti-depressants. What in the hell do I do this time around? It seems to be ten times worse. I know that it's not, but I can't help but feel that way.

Back to last week. I did get an apology for the re-cycled music videos. Not meant to hurt me, and not sure what else he can do. We are both like that. We emote through music. Someone mentioned over the weekend that our FB updates read like duelling "YouTube" video posts some days. Amusing? Maybe - but that's the way we let our feelings out. Only problem is that my songs range from angry to sad to the odd happy one, his are all happy and glowing. :( FFS. It's not supposed to be that way. Those happy, glowing video tributes are supposed to be for me. Not someone else.

Yes - still on hide so no worries.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Monday mornings...


Last week it was the posted video for "Foot in Cold Water" "Make me do anything you want" A song that I giggled about being reflective of our relationship at one time.

Today I turn on my PC and what do I see posted on FB "Avril Lavigne" "Hot" Jeezus. My heart sank.

I wanna lock you up in my closet
Cause no-one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket
Because you're allowed

So, I had to mention it. Yeah.. bitter Betty rises her ugly head. I sent a quick e-mail stating that while it's nice to know that you're happy and want to share it with everyone, recycling songs that had a meaning to me/us isn't exactly the best way to go about it.

I know that there most likely won't be any response, but I had to let him know.

And here's my "video of the day" A song we used to sing at the top of our lungs in the car, while watching the TV show.... We'll see how and when this one gets posted...

By the way... facebook feed - I've hidden his for a while. That should solve the Monday morning melt downs...

For now.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Not sleeping again.. :(

I had been doing really, really well.

Or so I thought.

All it took was a posted video of an old song on his facebook page. Damn. Sent me back about 10 steps. That was a song that we had discussed over & over again, how I felt it was such a great description of what we did, how we worked in a specific aspect of our "relationship".

Seeing a video from a 1972 TV performance of this stupid song kept me up all night.

So I wrote.

While I won't share a lot of the things I wrote on my blog (maybe I will, but not all at once) it helps a bit. Just a bit.

But every little bit helps right?


What will it be like?
not to speak to you every day
not to be so happy to see a little window pop up with "Hey" on a screen
to no longer have your hugs and kisses good night
I can't bear to think about it

Yet here I am, living it
Hating it
Missing you
Missing us
Hating that it has come to this.....
Missing me.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

As Pheonix rises....

I have loved this song from the first time I heard it. I finally listened to (more closely) and looked up the lyrics today as I heard it (and subsequently cranked the stereo volume) when I was out running a few errands on Friday.

Ironically enough, K burnt the CD for me. Cest la vie.

So, I'm going to do something I've always toyed with doing over the next few weeks. I'm going to go see a psychic.

Anyone (of my handful of followers.. lol) ever been?

Not sure what I am expecting from the visit. I just want to know that everything will be all right and that I won't be alone...

Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dusting off my scraped knees....

and beginning to have a better understanding....

So, we have had some healthy communication (as in me not blaming, accusing and all the nasty things I have been doing lately). I assumed many things over the past 11 days and we have cleared up some of those assumptions I made.

I had a lot of things (personal, aside from "us") in July. He tried to be respectful and gentle with me knowing how fragile I already was. Danm him for being caring and considerate. He didn't realize until I had sent him the e-mail on my return from Mansfield that I wasn't getting what he was saying. He had to put an end to it then and there.

Stop my suffering.

there is nothing to be

only accept it. . .
and hurt.

Will we be friends again?

We will ALWAYS be friends. He has been such an impact on my life over the past 3+ years that I can't imagine never speaking or communicating again. But he is aware that it will take much time on my part. I don't have any sort of clue about how "much" it will be; weeks, months, years? No idea at all. But I know he will always be in my life in some capacity.