Ungh... Ungh... and again?

Where to begin. I'm in a funk, a funk that could border on epic proportions if I ignore it. I have incredible friends. I know that they are there for me, but I need to learn to rely on them more. I can't do/fix everything on my own now can I ;)

I need to learn to speak my mind, tell people how/what I feel about things, about them. I have to stop shutting down when I don't see things shaking out the way that I hope/want them to. I have to find a way to keep enjoying what I do (make that LOVE what I do) and get rid of the bull$hit that ruins it for me.

Crap. I need to do a lot of things.

OK, enough moaning for now (but I think I will return to these things regularly on my blog as I need to find a method to better get them out of my head and "out there" which is the first step for me) Back to the task at hand. My Ultra debut.

Today was a sucky day, a sucky run and I now I sit here drinking a cold coffee and icing my stupid, sucky knee which is swollen up. I haven't been able to put in the mileage I would like. Partly due to my stupid schedule, partly because of my expert procrastination techniques. I really should write a book about it! I have been doing about 90% of my runs on the treadmill between clients while I'm at the gym. Not the best, but hey - getting the shorter stuff all looked after in a timely manner. One of my fellow GL trainers did her first ultra back last fall. She did 100% of her training on the treadmill! SHOCKING! And even more shocking, she came in within a couple of minutes of my Ultra hero, inspiration and friend Kinga Miklos. She trained on a TM and finished 50K within minutes of the ULTRA QUEEN!

Now, I may be a dreamer, but I'm not a complete idiot. I am no where near Kinga's speed or endurance but hey.. it can be done!

Today I headed to Fanshawe Conservation area after I had trained a client. First mistake - I got there at 11:30 - the temperature (in the shade) was 28.5 degrees c, with a humidity factor of 37 degrees c. My intention was to run/hike the 20K loop, work on my endurance and just time on my tootsies. This is the closest terrain to what I'll be dealing with in August in Mansfield at Dirty Girls, and then again at Haliburton in September. So this has been my intended long run/hike location.

Today was brutal, it was humbling, it was draining. It was all I could do to squeek an out & back out of my legs & lungs. I know that the heat & humidity was a factor, but my knee also started twinging about 5-6 K in. UNGH.

I ran out of water, I ran out of steam, I ran out of confidence. I cut it short and went out 45 minutes & back 45 minutes. I probably ended up about 11 K or so of my intended 20K today.

While I was out there, my mind was all over the place, I was watching the butterflies, I stopped once (for a minute) to pick & eat some raspberries, I jumped off the trail for a lot of friendly MTB dudes and one idiot who feels he's got a shot at the Olympics I'm thinking. I thought about how much I adore it out there, how much it means to me to be active and able to slog away at the trails at least. I have a bunch of clients who I am sure would give their left arm (who gives away an arm anyhow? Weird expression) to do what I do. But I still felt sad out there today. I worry that I may be on the verge of losing my best friend. The person who keeps me going back out there & doing these things like riding & hiking & spending time out-doors. I wondered what I would do or how I would enjoy these things if I didn't have my bff to share them with. I worry about being a poseur with my whole, lets do a 50K dream/plan. I know I won't be running a lot of it, especially now with my knee issues today.

So... this post is going to become epic in size if I don't stop clicking away at the keys now, so I'll leave it at this.

I have a lot of things to think about and to do. Best get back to reading "Get paid for who you are" (and thanks to the person who directed me to the book.. you know who you are!)

Peace out peeps! :)