It's been 2 weeks since my last post. Who was I to even begin to know what would happen in the days following. If I had, maybe I would have done things differently? Knowing me though, I doubt it.
I sit here at 9:45 in the morning. I was supposed to leave for a 7 hour hike/trail run 2 hours ago, but here I am sitting on my couch ready to post a lengthy update on life, love, sadness and everything BUT running. Oh, I am dressed for my run, my bag is packed, I have 2 - 2 litre water bladders filled and chilled in the fridge, yet I sit here on my couch, barely able to move. I have the weather network on, I am hearing that the humid-ex will be going up in an hour or two, now I'm thinking I've left it too late to head out for 30-40Km in the woods. So why bother even going.
OK, I wasn't going to make today's entry about running, so that's it. Take it as you will. I am a procrastinator. It will haunt me forever apparently. It has affected work, friends and relationships all my life. And yet again my "easy going"(or what I like people to see - hides the procrastinator)personality has ruined yet another relationship in my life. Why did I wait almost 4 years before telling someone what they really meant to me? What made me assume the things I did about how they felt about me? Wishful thinking, hoping? Thinking that by not saying anything that I wouldn't "rock the boat" you know the whole "if it aint broke" adage.
So now I sit here, my third significant relationship of my life-ending in almost the same way. By me being blindsided. Thinking all along that everything was sunshine and daisies, skipping along merrily in my brain singing la-dee-da. Only to have someone walk right up to me face to face and knock me flat on my ass (figuratively)
I remember the first time I told a boy (yes, I am reverting to being a 15 year old) that "I loved him" I remember clearly hearing the crickets chirping. Within a few weeks we drifted apart and that was that.
The second, my husband. Ten years later, he told me he didn't want to be married any more. Totally out of left field. It left me reeling, feeling inadequate, stupid, used and about a thousand other things.
So, third time's a charm?
Think again. Did I wait too long? I mean suddenly springing the dreaded "L" word on someone who is your best friend and is perceived as your boyfriend by the entire word would be the natural progression right? Not so. When you are told that the phrase would be reciprocated with *as my best friend how do you react to that?
So suddenly I find myself yet again, lost. How will my best friend feel around me knowing that my feelings are deeper? How will I react when I see that friend moving on without me. I don't even want to begin to imagine it, but I have to be realistic about this. We do know that this will change our friendship. I am trying not to let it, but it's breaking my heart. We watched a movie together last night, sitting with an extra space between us on the couch. Me trying not to run my fingers through his hair when he sat on the floor in front of me. No hug & kiss as I left. IT HURTS
I've explained my theory, that for me a deep friendship (which is what we have) is the pillar to a long-lasting relationship. That I believe that people who excite us can drift in & out of our lives as quickly as they pop in and that we can't always act on these reactions. (The discussions we have been having have been prompted by someone who has come into his life and made him feel emotions that he does not feel with me). He realizes that he may have taken me for granted, knowing that I am always around and feels that he has been unfair to me. Yes, I am always around, always available on chat or messenger, I reply to texts with lightning speed. So I am trying something new for a few weeks. I am not going to be there at the drop of a hat. I won't be on messenger very often, texts - I may wait an hour or so to reply. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Will he realize what he has when it's not there any more? I'm not sure. And I'm not doing this on purpose, I am doing this for me. I need to take some time away, time to process my feelings a bit further.
This coming weekend is going to be a big test, something we always do together. I am going to an ultra race, camping and hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. This may be immensely difficult. There will be times in the next 4 days that I seriously consider NOT going, but I am offering assistance to a friend who is running 24 hours. I have promised to be there for her during the night.
I just hope she doesn't ask me how things are going with K. She may run screaming and looking for a new pacer for the rest of the night. ;)
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