What do I do
now that you're gone?
Well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Paralyzed, motionless
for awhile,
nothing moving
inside or out.
Then I think
how much I miss you.
Then I feel
fear
pain
loneliness
desolation.
Then
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Interesting pastime.
So, here I sit. Bawling my eyes out for hmmm, day 10 now. Is it any easier. Not at all. We have communicated a bit. He is trying (with minimal success) to apologize. Tries to justify his actions. Not working.
A friend gave me Peter McWilliams' name and I have started reading a bit (the above is by him). So many of his poems strike me right through the heart.
I got a text on Sunday, he was telling me that the abscess in his back/shoulder has returned. Up to about 2 weeks ago it was finally healing up well. This has been going on since the end of May and he(I) were excited that running was back on schedule and the pain/aggravation of the infection was going away.
All I could do was respond and say "sorry, that sucks, but the hurt part of me only has one thing to say: Karma Baby" I am not the type of person to say these things, especially to those that I love. But it's all I could think about saying.
A tiny addendum about running. I have decided to withdraw from my 50K on September 11. My head and heart are not into it. He is the one who got me interested in the whole Ultra thing and for the time being that has been taken away from me, along with a whole bunch of other things that I enjoy doing. Am I wrong in giving the power to take these things away from me? Probably, but I have to do what I have to do now. And staying off the trails is what I need to do.
Peace and love..
T
3 comments:
You need to heal. Obviously this race was too close in too many ways to allow you to do that. You have not given him any power over you. Remember that T!
thinking of you..L
You are allowed to hurt, cry and heal. You are doing so with, believe it or not B. L. D. G. as it comes in all forms.
If you feel you made the right decision for yourself in withdrawing then be content in that.
thinking of you and can meet anytime for tea/ice cream/ cider.
You text and I will get in the car.
I just want to thank both of you... for making me realize that I do have BLDG (thanks for the reminder girl).
While I am feeling a bit better today I am still crushed. Maybe a bit less crushed every day, but crushed none-the-less....
Freckles.. you're on. Will give you a shout and we can plan something before you get back to work.
HUGS my friends...
T
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