Monday mornings...

SUCK!

Last week it was the posted video for "Foot in Cold Water" "Make me do anything you want" A song that I giggled about being reflective of our relationship at one time.

Today I turn on my PC and what do I see posted on FB "Avril Lavigne" "Hot" Jeezus. My heart sank.

I wanna lock you up in my closet
Cause no-one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket
Because you're allowed

So, I had to mention it. Yeah.. bitter Betty rises her ugly head. I sent a quick e-mail stating that while it's nice to know that you're happy and want to share it with everyone, recycling songs that had a meaning to me/us isn't exactly the best way to go about it.

I know that there most likely won't be any response, but I had to let him know.

And here's my "video of the day" A song we used to sing at the top of our lungs in the car, while watching the TV show.... We'll see how and when this one gets posted...



By the way... facebook feed - I've hidden his for a while. That should solve the Monday morning melt downs...

For now.

Not sleeping again.. :(

I had been doing really, really well.

Or so I thought.

All it took was a posted video of an old song on his facebook page. Damn. Sent me back about 10 steps. That was a song that we had discussed over & over again, how I felt it was such a great description of what we did, how we worked in a specific aspect of our "relationship".

Seeing a video from a 1972 TV performance of this stupid song kept me up all night.

So I wrote.

While I won't share a lot of the things I wrote on my blog (maybe I will, but not all at once) it helps a bit. Just a bit.

But every little bit helps right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What will it be like?
not to speak to you every day
not to be so happy to see a little window pop up with "Hey" on a screen
to no longer have your hugs and kisses good night
I can't bear to think about it

Yet here I am, living it
Hating it
Missing you
Missing us
Hating that it has come to this.....
Missing me.

As Pheonix rises....

I have loved this song from the first time I heard it. I finally listened to (more closely) and looked up the lyrics today as I heard it (and subsequently cranked the stereo volume) when I was out running a few errands on Friday.

Ironically enough, K burnt the CD for me. Cest la vie.

So, I'm going to do something I've always toyed with doing over the next few weeks. I'm going to go see a psychic.

Anyone (of my handful of followers.. lol) ever been?


Not sure what I am expecting from the visit. I just want to know that everything will be all right and that I won't be alone...

Is that too much to ask?

Dusting off my scraped knees....

and beginning to have a better understanding....

So, we have had some healthy communication (as in me not blaming, accusing and all the nasty things I have been doing lately). I assumed many things over the past 11 days and we have cleared up some of those assumptions I made.

I had a lot of things (personal, aside from "us") in July. He tried to be respectful and gentle with me knowing how fragile I already was. Danm him for being caring and considerate. He didn't realize until I had sent him the e-mail on my return from Mansfield that I wasn't getting what he was saying. He had to put an end to it then and there.

Stop my suffering.


there is nothing to be
done.

only accept it. . .
and hurt.

Will we be friends again?

We will ALWAYS be friends. He has been such an impact on my life over the past 3+ years that I can't imagine never speaking or communicating again. But he is aware that it will take much time on my part. I don't have any sort of clue about how "much" it will be; weeks, months, years? No idea at all. But I know he will always be in my life in some capacity.

No longer a running blog for a while.....

What do I do
now that you're gone?

Well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Paralyzed, motionless
for awhile,
nothing moving
inside or out.

Then I think
how much I miss you.
Then I feel
fear
pain
loneliness
desolation.

Then
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Interesting pastime.

So, here I sit. Bawling my eyes out for hmmm, day 10 now. Is it any easier. Not at all. We have communicated a bit. He is trying (with minimal success) to apologize. Tries to justify his actions. Not working.

A friend gave me Peter McWilliams' name and I have started reading a bit (the above is by him). So many of his poems strike me right through the heart.

I got a text on Sunday, he was telling me that the abscess in his back/shoulder has returned. Up to about 2 weeks ago it was finally healing up well. This has been going on since the end of May and he(I) were excited that running was back on schedule and the pain/aggravation of the infection was going away.

All I could do was respond and say "sorry, that sucks, but the hurt part of me only has one thing to say: Karma Baby" I am not the type of person to say these things, especially to those that I love. But it's all I could think about saying.

A tiny addendum about running. I have decided to withdraw from my 50K on September 11. My head and heart are not into it. He is the one who got me interested in the whole Ultra thing and for the time being that has been taken away from me, along with a whole bunch of other things that I enjoy doing. Am I wrong in giving the power to take these things away from me? Probably, but I have to do what I have to do now. And staying off the trails is what I need to do.

Peace and love..
T

BMFA by Martha Wainwright

BMFA by Martha Wainwright

Big thanks to "Freckles" for reminding me of this awesome Martha Wainright Song.

Sums up how I am feeling right now. Today not so good, I don't function well on 2 hours of sleep, emphasized by the lack of sleep from the 2 previous nights of camping.

I have stupidly sent 2 e-mails outlining how angry, frustrated and pissed off I am. I doubt they will be read, but writing them was a necessary part of my healing process. How could someone I cared so deeply for and trusted so much end up being so cruel?

Cruel to be kind?

Sort of backfired me thinks.

FML, seriously... FML

So, again I am blindsided. After what I thought was a fantastic talk with the boy I call my best friend last Friday and a relatively good week, I get completely kicked in the gut tonight.

I have lost my best friend, and his children (who I adore). This is the person that I have spend the better part of the last four years adoring and being there for. I am sitting here in a puddle, I shouldn't be writing, but I decided to screw it and write as I am feeling things. What exactly is it I am feeling?

Hurt
lost
Broken *Utterly broken
Pissed off
ANGRY


I said I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time. The person who mysteriously drifted back into his life a mere 6 weeks ago has decided to separate from her husband. While "boy" said a few weeks ago he would not jump into anything with her if her marriage ended, he certainly dove right in.

While I was running my @ss off in Mansfield for 6 hours, they were up North deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. Yes, after a run, lunch, a couple of e-mails and 48 hours they have decided that is how things will be.

How's that for waiting a while...

The fucking ink isn't even dry.

I am now another piece of crap that he has filtered out while cleaning and I am left to sit in a blue plastic bag at the side of the curb for pick up with the rest of the recycling.

That's all I've got right now... I'm certain there will be much more as I process this over the next few days, that's for sure.

Thanks "boy" I hope you enjoy your new life.

Stuff.... lots and lots of stuff

It's been 2 weeks since my last post. Who was I to even begin to know what would happen in the days following. If I had, maybe I would have done things differently? Knowing me though, I doubt it.

I sit here at 9:45 in the morning. I was supposed to leave for a 7 hour hike/trail run 2 hours ago, but here I am sitting on my couch ready to post a lengthy update on life, love, sadness and everything BUT running. Oh, I am dressed for my run, my bag is packed, I have 2 - 2 litre water bladders filled and chilled in the fridge, yet I sit here on my couch, barely able to move. I have the weather network on, I am hearing that the humid-ex will be going up in an hour or two, now I'm thinking I've left it too late to head out for 30-40Km in the woods. So why bother even going.

OK, I wasn't going to make today's entry about running, so that's it. Take it as you will. I am a procrastinator. It will haunt me forever apparently. It has affected work, friends and relationships all my life. And yet again my "easy going"(or what I like people to see - hides the procrastinator)personality has ruined yet another relationship in my life. Why did I wait almost 4 years before telling someone what they really meant to me? What made me assume the things I did about how they felt about me? Wishful thinking, hoping? Thinking that by not saying anything that I wouldn't "rock the boat" you know the whole "if it aint broke" adage.

So now I sit here, my third significant relationship of my life-ending in almost the same way. By me being blindsided. Thinking all along that everything was sunshine and daisies, skipping along merrily in my brain singing la-dee-da. Only to have someone walk right up to me face to face and knock me flat on my ass (figuratively)

I remember the first time I told a boy (yes, I am reverting to being a 15 year old) that "I loved him" I remember clearly hearing the crickets chirping. Within a few weeks we drifted apart and that was that.

The second, my husband. Ten years later, he told me he didn't want to be married any more. Totally out of left field. It left me reeling, feeling inadequate, stupid, used and about a thousand other things.

So, third time's a charm?

Think again. Did I wait too long? I mean suddenly springing the dreaded "L" word on someone who is your best friend and is perceived as your boyfriend by the entire word would be the natural progression right? Not so. When you are told that the phrase would be reciprocated with *as my best friend how do you react to that?

So suddenly I find myself yet again, lost. How will my best friend feel around me knowing that my feelings are deeper? How will I react when I see that friend moving on without me. I don't even want to begin to imagine it, but I have to be realistic about this. We do know that this will change our friendship. I am trying not to let it, but it's breaking my heart. We watched a movie together last night, sitting with an extra space between us on the couch. Me trying not to run my fingers through his hair when he sat on the floor in front of me. No hug & kiss as I left. IT HURTS

I've explained my theory, that for me a deep friendship (which is what we have) is the pillar to a long-lasting relationship. That I believe that people who excite us can drift in & out of our lives as quickly as they pop in and that we can't always act on these reactions. (The discussions we have been having have been prompted by someone who has come into his life and made him feel emotions that he does not feel with me). He realizes that he may have taken me for granted, knowing that I am always around and feels that he has been unfair to me. Yes, I am always around, always available on chat or messenger, I reply to texts with lightning speed. So I am trying something new for a few weeks. I am not going to be there at the drop of a hat. I won't be on messenger very often, texts - I may wait an hour or so to reply. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Will he realize what he has when it's not there any more? I'm not sure. And I'm not doing this on purpose, I am doing this for me. I need to take some time away, time to process my feelings a bit further.

This coming weekend is going to be a big test, something we always do together. I am going to an ultra race, camping and hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. This may be immensely difficult. There will be times in the next 4 days that I seriously consider NOT going, but I am offering assistance to a friend who is running 24 hours. I have promised to be there for her during the night.

I just hope she doesn't ask me how things are going with K. She may run screaming and looking for a new pacer for the rest of the night. ;)