Rough day...

My horoscope for September 2, 2006

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You're like a box with its lid closed tightly right now ... all the creativity, beauty and intricacies deep inside of you are hidden from view. Very few people have the energy, attitude or impetus to pry open your lid, but that's not a personal indictment of you. If people aren't pushing to know you better, you need to take your lid off and show them all the wonderful things you have to offer. Open yourself up to everyone today. Express yourself. –

Man, I am going to have to read this stupid thing in the morning and not at 10:00 PM…

Long day today and I’m wiped both physically and emotionally. I ran my first trail race this morning. I had registered for the 20K (what was I thinking) and ended up rolling my ankle about 7-8K in – WALKING! How’s that for dumb luck… Not a sprain, but enough to spook me & haul my sorry ass of the course. I did have a great time out there in general though, and got a chance to catch up with my closest friends from the internet!

On the way home, I just became overwhelmed with sadness. So much so, that I took the scenic back roads home instead of the major highway. I was actually afraid that I would not be able to concentrate fully enough to drive on the highway. I managed to get home (barely) and immediately filled the tub to soak away my inner & outer aches. While it helped with the physical, the mental only got worse…. I cried uncontrollably for about 2 hours once I got home. I finally broke down & called “T” as I think that is what was getting me down. It’s now been 4 months since we have separated, and we don’t really seem to have gotten anywhere. Now I know that we had both agreed to take the summer for ourselves but we barely spent any of the “date” time that we had discussed, and I feel him slipping away from me, which is what the basis of my sadness is. I feel like I have failed him, and myself. He seems to think that I like the idea of being married, more than being married specifically to him… if that had been the case, I would have been gone a long time ago – at the beginning of the business problems, legal issues & money woes. I guess he figures I stuck around for the fun of it all.

Both he & his sister think that I am so happy now to be on my own… I told him that’s what I want people to see… I don’t want them to see that inward, I’m flailing – more-so on some days than others. Perhaps it’s time to loosen up the lid on my own as I certainly don’t think anyone has the energy or need to pry open that lid without my help.

We ended up spending a couple of hours talking, but not much came out of it IMHO. Am I still sad, Yes… as sad as I was a few hours ago – not quite, but still pretty bad. Do I have any better idea of what is to become of my marriage – no clue….. Not too productive in the end I guess.